I don't know anything anymore..

I came home, sure that I could do this. I could fly 1400 miles away and be alright.

Today I stared at a few dozen familiar faces...all looking at me like a basket case. Nervous to give me hugs. I spoke a little and found my chest getting heavy, my stomach churning - and I excused myself.

My dog doesn't sit with me anymore. I've been gone so long he doesn't snuggle with me on the couch. He snuggles Ari instead.
I don't have the comfort of many - as I do the sympathy. Theres a difference, ya know..

I can tell my mind is drifting into murky places and I'm glad I'll be seeing my therapist tomorrow. But then again, I don't know quite what she'll do for me.

I'm scared - terrified - to go to work. I'm afraid I'll lose it altogether. I'm afraid I wont smile. I'm afraid my heart will stop as it has these past few days..

My eyes feel as though they have been bent inside out. I can't cry...

It Hurts...

I think you can all imagine the feelings going through my head.
I've been to many funerals in my life, lost a lot of loved ones, but I've never had someone viciously taken from me.

It's hard not to imagine the scene, as much as I don't want to. Every time I close my eyes I have visions of my father and a 12 gauge staring at him in.

The hardest part is knowing he died that way. He died at one of the happiest times in his life. He died with two giant gaping holes in his stomach and no one to comfort him at the hospital.

It's sickening. It makes my chest hurt. I can't cry anymore, I can't breathe, and I can't sit still..

And the woooorst part?

I haven't even seen his body yet. I have an eerie feeling about the moment I step into Sturino's funeral home. It's going to be the hardest thing in my life. And I just hope I take enough perscription meds not to fall over completely... but I'm pretty sure I will.

Aside from the normal numbness, I have to admit - I'm furious. Oddly enough it's not with the others involved. It's the news.

The media has failed me. It has exploited my Dad's murder, printed false information, printed unnecessary information, and turned it into just an article.

The one thing I learned from all of this public circus is that.. life goes on. Just like we watch the news every day and hear another murder... this ones no different. It's what we are. It's the animalistic instinct inside of us to turn the page and write off a tragedy.. And now that it's finally hit home? No words..

It's hard reading the hard facts from a paper when no one in my family wants to tell me themselves. I didn't know the murderer used a shot gun. I didn't know he wasn't in custody right away. And I NEVER knew my father suffered enough to be transported to a hospital.

With all the details put in place, and a foul taste in my mouth, it still wasn't enough to read an article describing the scene at the hotel..

"there was blood splattered all over the grass"

And that is when I lost it.

I am petrified. Petrified of staring at my father's lifeless body. I have no idea if my body can withstand that. In fact, I'm pretty sure it can't. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna fall over, go limp, throw up, scream... and cry? Do I have any tears left?

I just don't know what I'm gonna do...

Grandma B

Once in a blue moon I'll drift off to sleep and dream about her. I have to say, I wish I could dream about her more often...
The dream fell along the normal 'nightmare' path.. someone trying to kill me. I ended up catching them and turning them into the police and after a long brawl I went home. I couldn't sleep so at 1am I called my grandma and stayed with her. And when I woke up, I realize thats what I've truly been missing... just some quality time with the person who loved me most. I miss being able to call her at all hours and just vent and having her comforting voice on the other end.

It's been two years..
At this time in '06 she was in "Select" - a horrible wing of St. Luke's Hospital in Milwaukee. It's where most of the damage was done. I'd visit her and on some days she was hysterical.. she thought she was in prison and asked me to take her home. She would yell at scream and not have any clue what was going on. Those were some of the most emotional months for me.. I used to leave the hospital bawling..

I've struggled with analyzing how her death has really affected me..and I haven't quite gotten an answer. I know it's part of how messy the last few years of my life have been.. I can't say that I've made any positive movement since she passed away.. I've just been very reactionary. I wonder what that means?

I've promised myself to make good use out of this move. I'm dedicating my time here to *finding myself*. I've been through a lot of therapy and medications but it's about time I get a significant grasp on things. If not for me.. for Grandma B.

Powerful Stuff...

Saturday was my first day of training for the Sexual Assualt Services volunteer program I am participating in. Eight whole hours of facts and questions and even a little pizza..

It was an astonishing eye opener. I used to consider myself educated and aware and until this afternoon I didn't realize how wrong I was.. There are so many statistics that shocked me. There is so much information I was unaware of. And lastly, it killed me to see how I feed the negative stereotypes that keep sexual assault victims in the dark. My thought process is/was a little backwards and I truly look forward to altering my views and then spreading positive education to everyone I know..

The meeting also touched me on some serious levels.... I had no idea the emotions I had suppressed. No idea...
I look forward to exploring those emotions and hopefully using my new knowledge to get my own demons out. I'm pretty sure they're the reason I'm in therapy. Finally.. years and years later.. I'm starting to open up and it feels good to breathe easier..

Saying Goodbye to the B-B-Y

Adios iPods, cell phones, home phones
Peace out Panasonic, GE, and Vtech
So Long Samsung, Insignia, and KAJEET

I'm outa here!

It's a sad departure, but a good one. I'll miss each and every coworker of mine for the different ways they all made me smile...
It felt like a second home and I really enjoyed *most* of my time spent there. Ok, so only the time I went running around the store to avoid customers..
Nonetheless.. I have some funny stories to share.

#1
[gentlemen asks me to find him a docking FM transmitter for his boat]
Me: "I like Griffin myself, sir. This one right here should do ya good.
Dude: "Great. Thanks Val. So you wanna come install this on my boat? In a bikini maybe?"

#2
[returning customer spots me from a mile away and waves with a big smile]
Me: "heeey how are you doing (completely blank as to what he did the first time he came in)
Dude: "hey I'm looking to sign up another cell phone...
[continue boring sales pitch, no sale, and a farewell]
Me: "Well I'd say see ya when you come back tomorrow, but I'll be gone."
Dude: "What?!"
Me: "Yeah. Moving to Racine. Leaving the store"
Dude: "Where?"
Me: Yeah, Racine...?"
Dude: "Address?!"
Me: [cue strange look?]
Dude: "Well ya, I drive down past Racine all the time..."
Me: "riight"

#3
[phone call]
Me: "Thanks for calling Best Buy Wireless, this is Val, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Yeah, do you have the number for Circuit City?"

#4
[helping customer look at iPods. Short, pudgey, funny-lookin businessman with a terrible lisp]
Me: "Well sir, what exactly will you be putting on the iPod? Music? Movies?"
BM: " Well Yessss, mostly mussssic, and well.. this is gonna sssound weird but, can I put ssself help tapessss on there?"
Me: "uh ya".

#5
[enter guy who is waaay too into his looks. Short, tan, and has a tight T shirt on trying to define his muscles he's obviously worked hard for]
Muscles: "I have some reward certificates on my computer I can't print off. Could you guys do it for me?"
Me: "If our computers can access the email site, we should be able to. Some websites are prohibited..(bla bla bla). If you just give me your information, I'll take it in the back office and use that computer. It will be the only one that would work, if any.
Muscles: "Ok. [scribbles down info]
Me: [walks into backroom and lays paper out to see what email account he has. cue LOUD LAUGHTER]
BackOffice: "What??"
Me: "His password. It's STUDLY35"

---------
i'll have to think of some more later..

Funny Story Three..

I forgot a good story and my wonderful sister reminded me today while writing in her blog.

We got onto the subject of boys and their PePes, and the fact that they are uber self conscious. I was telling her about the day I last glanced at a Magnum condom.
[during intense foreplay]
Me: "no sex without a condom pal, you got any on you?"
Dude: "yeah. in my pants pocket"
[leaning off bed and digging into pockets.. pull out a Magnum]
Me: "A Magnum?! Who the hell did you steal *this* from?!!?"

My sister is convinced this is the reason he doesn't like me anymore. My response? "ya well.."

Funny Story!

Actually, I've got two. Numero Uno..

Yesterday I spent most of my afternoon sitting in my room transferring CDs to iTunes. I have this huge window next to me that Chico and I peek out of daily. Per usual, when he perks up, I assume there is a dog running around the backyard inspiring his curiosity. I took a look out yesterday and there was a giant woman shuffling along with a gorgeous golden retriever who was bouncing around like a maniac on his leash. Then, out of nowhere, flies this little pixie of a white puff ball puppy and the retriever loses it. He does circles around his giant owner and she spins like a top. I don't think me and Chico could have snorted any harder.. I should have taken a picture..

Story #2.
I've been meaning to get back onto my meds and last night I started up again. I truly forgot how much I hate starting those things... Nautious as all hell!
Big Sis: "how many did you take?"
Lil Sis: "one and a half. thats what I was taking.."
Big Sis: "you DUMBASS! you can't just start up on them like that. You have to easy onto them"
Lil Sis: "oh......"
Big Sis: "are you sure you're my sister?!?"

--So apparently thats why I was so sick, but in my defense, they would have made me nautious anyway. It was no fun tossing and turning and watching the clock and putting on music and laying on my back, then tummy, the side, then I'm hot, then I'm not...

ugh. drained. and I still feel a little natious. and a little like I'm going to get my stupid*fucking period. Perrrfecto!

THE worst day of my life

no really...it WAS the worst day of my life.

Let me tell you about it.

I dressed up GREAT for my observing interview.

-white button down shirt

-black pin-striped pants

-black nine west pumps (heels, for you guys)

I felt smokin'. And confident enough to win over any crowd.

I got to the interview 30 minutes early. I was among 5 people waiting. At one point, one of the other girls looked at my heels and said:

girl: "ooh. good luck with those shoes".

me: "uh.. what do you mean?"

girl: "didn't anyone tell you to wear comfortable shoes?"

me: "I do NOT recall anyone mentioning that."

girl: "...."

me: "WHY would we need comfortable shoes!?"

I waited, nervously, about an hour before someone came to get me. I was walked into E's room and was introduced to MD, my interviewer for the day. He was tall, charming, and ready to wisk me out of the room.

S (another interviewee) and I follow MD down the stairs - the entire time I am wondering where the HELL we were going..

MD: "it's going to be a tight fit with five of us!"

WHAT?! - I immediately thought. We're leaving? Where are we going? I finally get to ask my questions while in the piece of shit car and MD politely states we're "going into the field".

Basically? We're door to door salespeople. We were driving to Pewaukee to walk around all day. ALL day. I immediately think - IN PUMPS?! - and lose my mind.

I think I made it about 25 minutes before I wanted to kill myself. Thankfully we walked past a salon that was selling flip flops. Cool guy MD offers to buy me a $5 pair of sandals for foot relief.

THESE sandals.

Aren't these the most

ridiculous

hideous

inSANE

sandals you've ever seen??

THESE are what I walked around in

all day.

Tell me about ridiculous...

So we walk around long enough that I remember why I hate thong sandals. THEY give me blisters, too. We decide to go to lunch and happily agree on Cousins subs. During lunch MD gave me a rundown on the potential to grow in the company. Not gonna lie, thats where I found motivation to go on -- to know that I could move up quickly. So we end lunch and immediately after .....it starts pouring. I imagine we 'd call it a day or some sort of plan B.

Nooooot at all.

It poured. We continued to walk. And walk.
I was dripping - literally - from head to toe. I was soaked to my underwear. We walked around for about five more hours. FIVE, people. We walked through grass, gravel, mud, and EVEN POISEN IVY. At one point I started to get numb and MD thoughtfully offered me a sweatshirt.

So by this point, I was wearing...

- wild,crazy, and frizzy hair

- a bright red oversized champion sweatshirt

- black pinstriped pants that were entirely wrinkled

- and neon green sandals that started to turn funky

Nevermind that I was shivering. Nevermind that I was turning purple. Nevermind that I was walking ON my BRAND NEW EXPENSIVE PANTS THAT WERE TOO LONG FOR SANDALS. yeah, I eventually ruined the bottom of them. Ruined. I walked a hole right through them.

At this point I was debating if I should just call someone to rescue me. But at about 5:30, we decided just to go back to the office.

I waited another 45 minutes before getting into my final interview. I nailed it. Funny, because I had no desire to get the job -- and I got it. After a fucking miserable rotten day I said yes?!?! So my new leader MD tells me to come out later for a beer and I make a mad dash for my car.

I think I just wanted to get the fuck out of there. I cried the entire way home. Not only because I was so fucking miserable.. .but because I can't understand why I a)stayed the entire time and b) accepted the position.

I'm calling tomorrow morning to tell them to fuck off. And then asking for their corporate number so I can call and complain. I've NEVER felt like such a piece....never.

I look back and laugh... but honestly? WHAT THE FUCK.

some more pictures for your humor...

10 Things About Myself I'm Not Proud Of

1. I'm hormonal. I'm also Mexican/Sicilian which only adds to the temper tantrums.. but seriously. I've started on new pills that I'm hoping will help, but I can't see a big turnaround yet..

2. I'm in therapy. It was something *I* opted for when I left my fiance. Some sort of guiding light because I haven't felt this loss since... well... lets face it I've always felt lost and I've always been in therapy. I've heard things like "abondonment issues"..."anxiety disorder"..." co-dependence". So basically I know I *should* be talking to someone.

3. I'm co-dependant. If you don't know what it is, look it up. But basically it's the root of every male problem in my life. And why I have such a fucking time with boys... and will for most of my life.

4. I'm selfish. I think it comes from the fact that it's a dog-eat-dog world.. but sometimes it makes me feel bad. But only sometimes..

5. I always feel like I could do MORE. I'm 22 and the possibilities are endless. And what do I do? There are so many interests I have and I don't know how I lose motivation from point A to point B. It just kills me.

6. I trust people too easily. I'm naive. I'm gullable. And I don't know any better. nuff said.

7. I sleep too much. I think this has something to do with number 1

8. I'm truly lazy. I'd LOVE to do more.. but theres just no one in my life that really pushes me. Not that I need someone to physically PUSH me, but no one even asks. I don't have many friends that get into things like mountain biking and ask if I'd like to go. And theres no way I'd start a group myself... get serious!

9. I can't just BE. I'm always searching, waiting, wondering. I think this comes from my anxiety problems. I just hate that I rely on other things to *make* me happy.

10. I'm needy. In a lot of ways. And I just can't.....


Why am I sharing all of this today? Because I need to move....move forward. I'm sick of waking up, looking in the mirror and being completely dissatisfied.

It's Everywhere!

my therapist gave me this poem and it's so fucking true I've posted it everywhere...

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open
and learn to build all your roadson today because tomorrows ground
is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
a way of falling down mid-flight
after a while you learn that even sunshine
burns if you get too much
so you plan your own garden and decorate
your own soul instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers
and you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn and learn...
with every goodbye you learn

To Live In The Moment

It's a concept I cannot grasp, or can I?

*my* version of living right now...

- disregard all cleaning responsibilities to have *fun* until something smells and you can't find it..

- procrastinate things like 'grocery shopping' until you've successfully hit every fast food chain within a mile.

-Decide to clean clothes after they're piling the floor because you've put off putting the *clean* clothes laying around in the actual hampers. Oh, and then put away the piles of clothes you once folded and stacked on your dresser THREE loads of laundry ago..

- Disregard pieces of paper that say "ToDo" and instead use them as coasters, inevitabley spilling - thereby making illegible blotted ink marks and the ToDo list pointless.

-Leave the new 12pk of glasses sitting on the counter because it is easier to reach a glass off the counter instead of in the cupboard.

-Lose all 4 calendars you've printed out and placed in convenient places so you know what the hell is going on at all times.

-Forget important doses of *crazypills* and drink with the ones you actually remember to take.

-Forget to call friends and wish them happy birthdays but remember to tell everyone about the free Subway meal you got last night..

-Leave any and all homework until the last minute because it seems as though life is more fun like a doped up rockstar and school can always wait..

************
somtimes. only sometimes. I wonder about myself.

Comic

Well I don't know about *you*, but now I can rest easy knowing this

ok. slight sarcasm. but how random is the news these days?!

Random enough that *this* is big news, too.

Seriously. Should I be excited?

i can dream.

LOVE this bag.

the shoes I drooled over in Florida. How *fun*!?!?

I think I might still get them...

It's Sunny Here..

And incredibly windy. The past few days I've found sand in my eyes, ears, nose, mouth... ugh.
The beach wasn't so pleasant, but it was the beach nonetheless. It was the beautiful blue ocean and I loved every minute of it. I even mustered enough courage to get a little wet despite the "Man O War" warnings. At least it wasn't sharks..

Claire was awesome. I enjoyed spending time with her. My sister is great. And my niece? my niece is the best. I will post a bundle of pictures and videos taken over my trip. All taken with my cell phone since I forgot my memory card on top of my desk at home.

Brilliant, I am.

I have a few good stories but nothing too shocking. No boys. No tattoos. No topless bar dancing. No bars even. Just good times with my family - lots of great restaurants - and I'm still debating if I'm leaving with a $100 pair of leopard print shoes... if Macy's has my size..