Once in a blue moon I'll drift off to sleep and dream about her. I have to say, I wish I could dream about her more often...
The dream fell along the normal 'nightmare' path.. someone trying to kill me. I ended up catching them and turning them into the police and after a long brawl I went home. I couldn't sleep so at 1am I called my grandma and stayed with her. And when I woke up, I realize thats what I've truly been missing... just some quality time with the person who loved me most. I miss being able to call her at all hours and just vent and having her comforting voice on the other end.
It's been two years..
At this time in '06 she was in "Select" - a horrible wing of St. Luke's Hospital in Milwaukee. It's where most of the damage was done. I'd visit her and on some days she was hysterical.. she thought she was in prison and asked me to take her home. She would yell at scream and not have any clue what was going on. Those were some of the most emotional months for me.. I used to leave the hospital bawling..
I've struggled with analyzing how her death has really affected me..and I haven't quite gotten an answer. I know it's part of how messy the last few years of my life have been.. I can't say that I've made any positive movement since she passed away.. I've just been very reactionary. I wonder what that means?
I've promised myself to make good use out of this move. I'm dedicating my time here to *finding myself*. I've been through a lot of therapy and medications but it's about time I get a significant grasp on things. If not for me.. for Grandma B.
