I don't know anything anymore..

I came home, sure that I could do this. I could fly 1400 miles away and be alright.

Today I stared at a few dozen familiar faces...all looking at me like a basket case. Nervous to give me hugs. I spoke a little and found my chest getting heavy, my stomach churning - and I excused myself.

My dog doesn't sit with me anymore. I've been gone so long he doesn't snuggle with me on the couch. He snuggles Ari instead.
I don't have the comfort of many - as I do the sympathy. Theres a difference, ya know..

I can tell my mind is drifting into murky places and I'm glad I'll be seeing my therapist tomorrow. But then again, I don't know quite what she'll do for me.

I'm scared - terrified - to go to work. I'm afraid I'll lose it altogether. I'm afraid I wont smile. I'm afraid my heart will stop as it has these past few days..

My eyes feel as though they have been bent inside out. I can't cry...